I'm
not afraid of anything. I've said it many times. Sounds rather
arrogant. Perhaps I overstep, but honestly, fear is an emotion I
have largely learned to manage. It wasn't always that way. I grew
up fearful of a lot of things – snakes under the bed at night,
bears in the closet, bullies at school, intimidating teachers, public
speaking, relations with girls, and so on. But sometime during
my service in the the Marine Corps I chose to change my perspective
and master my fear response. Since then I have been in many fearful
situations, real and imaginary, and through experience and practice I
have honed my reaction to the world around me and learned to hold
steady at insecure times.
With
fear seemingly rampant in the last year and a half during this pandemic
contrivance, I have given fear more thought as it invades my space
more and more by those around me. It is always an option, especially
when I play in high places, but I have learned that it does not serve
me well, so I gravitate to other mechanisms to deal with challenging
circumstances.
Aside
from the instinctive fight-or-flight response, fear is essentially a
thought or even an attitude. Since we each chose how we perceive the
world, our thoughts and attitudes become the foundation for how we
interpret what we perceive as reality. Ultimately, it is our
thoughts, imagination, and attitudes which create the world we
believe we perceive. Therefore, it behooves us to guard what we
think about and what plays in our imagination at all times.
Consider
that fear really only exists in our imagination. Without our ability
to imagine our place in the future, to work out the consequences of a
particular possible outcome in all its gruesome details, we would all
be fearless. Those who survive serious car crashes, drownings, avalanches, and
long falls from high places generally relate that it all happened so
quickly that they did not have time to be afraid while the event was
taking place. It's as if so much is happening to you, your mind is
being bombarded with so much information that you have no time to
imagine an outcome. Survivors tell of things seeming to happen in
slow motion, as if the speed at which the mind is operating is
affecting the actual perception of time.
However
the future unfolds, it is simply a matter of fact, an emotionless
reality. What will be will be. It is only what is happening at this
very instant that should concern us. All any of us can do is
experience the present moment, the now. Any extrapolation of the now
into an unknown future is purely imaginary. Deprived of the ability
to imagine the future, we would all be fearless. Suddenly, there
would be nothing to be scared of. You wouldn't ponder the
significance of death or what it might feel like or what happens to
you.
In a
cataclysmic accident of fall, when things happen so quickly, there is
no time to project the imagination into the future. We lose the
future, but we also lose the past. Losing all possible reasons for
fear, you can't imagine what you might lose or what you might become.
Time is frozen during such times of immediate crisis; there is no
time to draw emotional conclusions. I'm falling fast. I'm about
to die. This is it. That is the reality of the moment, one in
which there is no time for the frivilous luxury of fear.
Fear,
like balance, in not inherent; it is a learned response. Even the
fight-or-flight response is not instinctive; it is a carefully
learned response. Anything that can be learned can be unlearned.
That is what I figured out during the time I was engaged in the
challenges of military training.
Fear
can be controlled, rationalized away, understood for what it is, and
ignored. All of us do it to some degree, but some are better at it
than others. Should you cross the intersection or will you let your
impulsive imagination hold you back from action out of fear for what
might happen?
Still,
fear is a positive, helpful mechanism. It warns us all of the time –
watch out here, look out there, slow down, don't do that, mind your
step – without which you would likely soon be dead. In a world
full of loud, conflicting information continually hammering our
minds, it is good to have fear as a sentinel in our minds, always
vigilant for the accident waiting to happen, alert for the slightest
sign of danger.
The
trick is to sample fear. Select the fear that you want or need to
react to and get rid of the rest. Examine each fear as it presents
itself, understand just what it is warning you about, and then act
accordingly. As a mountain climber, one who chooses to play in a
world of life and death choices, I operate continually in a state of
controlled fear. Only when the level of fear becomes intolerable do
I back off when I know I am reaching my limits. At any given moment
while climbing I will do whatever action is necessary to avoid
fear's alarm, whether it be lunge for a new handhold, retreat, or
remain motionless. I will not do something if there is a fear there
that I cannot control. Perhaps it is only my belief in control that
keeps me moving forward. If a moment arises where I suspect I am
losing control, then I know that fear is edging into that fragile
balance between my sanity and insanity.
While
most people have a fear of death, it is the archetypal forms of dying
like drowning, falling, or burning that terrify us most, even though
most people have absolutely no experience with coming close to dying
these ways. Our imaginations take over and imagine the worst pain
and terror during numbing events like crashing a car or plunging down
a mountainside when in reality they happen so fast there is no time
for emotion. If anything, a catastrophic experience like these is
generally experienced as a deep calm resignation of utter
helplessness and an emotionally bereft profound knowing that there is
absolutely nothing at all we can do . At least that has been my
experience with near death episodes of drowning, falling, and severe
physical trauma.
Uncontrolled
fear is very destructive, gnawing away at the fabric of sanity,
screwing one into a frightful aching state of anxiety. Am I good
enough? Will I hold up when things get tough? Will I crack under
pressure? Will I disappoint? Am I good looking enough? Are my
children safe? Am I a failure? Will I appear boring or foolish? Do
people like me? Where will I get the money I need to pay the bills
this month? There is nothing
but sickness in this sort of worry and fear, a sickness of the mind
that is nonconstructive and produces no answers or resolution,
leaving you in a helpless anguishing limbo. At least with archetypal
fears there is the fight-or-flight reaction where adrenaline moves
you to act, confronting whatever the terror immediately.
In
all that I do in life I chose my fear willingly. I embrace the
future and everything it throws at me with open arms and a clear
mind, confident that I can control my emotions and succeed. I no
longer have parental anxiety, or doubts about business decisions, and
no longer identify with the world of the lonely or heartsick.
Indulging in these kinds of fears holds us prisoner. They are
penance for thinking too much. I say I am not afraid of anything,
but what I really mean to say is I am free and in control.
One
of the reasons I enjoy climbing mountains is that I can leave behind
the world of anxiety. When facing challenges moment to moment on a
climb there is no time or room for such unproductive distraction.
All that matters as you step forward or reach for another handhold is
surviving. Anything other than focus on the moment erodes confidence
and may compromise survival. It is a pure and simple way to engage
the world.
Living
for the moment, for nothing but the present, brings with it an
unexpected bonus. It allows one to escape the need to know the
future and frees one from the constraints of the past. An absolute
freedom arises from living in the moment. Managing simply to exist
affords one a greater freedom than one could possibly imagine
otherwise. The moment is the only real world worth living in.
Anything beyond that is deceptive – including hopes, dreams,
ambitions, and expectations.
I
attempt to bring the essence of living in the moment back from the
mountains to experience in everyday life under every circumstance.
I accept a high degree of risk in the mountains and in daily life and
fully take responsibility for every outcome. I attempt to bring this
into every action I take, knowing full well that I am in control,
steering the boat, creating my own reality moment to moment.
There
are special moments in the mountains, and in life, fragile transient
times, when the borders between life and death seem to overlap, when
the past and future cease to exist, and all that remains is
freedom... when you seem able to spread your wings and fly to
eternity without a care. Edging along the fragile connection between
life and death, sometimes it is as if I am immortal, neither alive
nor dead. I look upon such fearless moments as being heaven,
Nirvana, enlightenment... magical. And so I return again and again
to this very real world to taste the nectar of infinity. Fear is all
that stands in the way of sharing all of this with more people.