We are Never More Alive than When We Face Death

 

This is an account of living through an avalanche from a collapsing serac on Chaupi Orco on the border of Bolivia and Peru (like the one pictured above) by Joe Simpson in his book The Beckoning Silence on pages 40-41. As a recreational mountaineer who has tip-toed across steep, questionable snow fields beneath unstable ice seracs in my early days, I copy it here as a reminder to always pay attention and trust my instincts, whether climbing on the edge or otherwise. Each moment is precious, but also vaporous. Sometimes the only thing that separates living from dying is sheer luck. I try never to lose sight of that. May I always be at the right place at the wrong time!

The sound of ice cliffs collapsing is unmistakable. You can do nothing. The explosive force of a large avalanche can kill you with its air blast before the snow and ice have even touched you. It is loud, violent, and disorienting, and you know that you are seconds from being pulverized out of existence. You are momentarily completely out of control – numb and helpless. Your fate will be determined by luck and nothing else. It is a deeply unpleasant experience.

This one came out of the darkness without warning, falling from far above us in a gathering roar. As the first cracking sound snapped down from the night air I was consumed with fear. The rumble stilled my senses and for a long helpless moment my mind seemed frozen into silent resignation.

As the sound of crashing ice blocks rose to a furiously discordant crescendo, I ducked in against the boulder and braced myself for the impact. Tiny charges seemed to pulse through my limbs, and my mind was as empty and as shockingly aware as if I had been plunged into icy water. I was unbearably tense, filled with dread. Yet it was not unpleasant. As the avalanche swept down I felt frozen – a chilled numbness – yet I was recoiling at sounds, mouth tightening, staring wide-eyed through huge pupils, searching for death in the darkness. I was suspended in an insensate limbo, oblivious of my body as if detached from my senses. I had the unnerving sensation of looking down watching my body about to die.

Time seemed to extend as the avalanche rushed past, expanding as the ice blocks exploded into crystals and bloomed down the rocky couloir. It took only seconds from the explosive start to the random knocking thumps as the last chunks tumbled slowly to a halt. I never took a breath. I simply stood in the dark waiting to die. It was a very long wait.

Then I rose up unsteadily as if from a sleep, from a panicky dark clenching fear that held me in thrall. Only then did time begin to move again. I peered around dazed, reprieved, uncomprehendingly. I was alive. That was all I knew: alive.